If you are from a narcissistic family system, then you know this in your bones: there is almost a gang-code level of loyalty that is expected in narcissistic family systems. This expectation of loyalty sets people up for most of the harm that comes out of these relationships.
But it’s not specific to families or systems, though it can feel more intense there because more people are demanding it. I’m sure many of you any of you, who have been through these relationships know this.
Narcissistic people expect almost distorted levels of loyalty, and this can often be a major driver of the self-blame and moral injury that often happens for people in these relationships. Depending on the relationship, this can show up in different ways.
Loyalty in Narcissistic Families
In families, we observe this whole loyalty thing, and we see it most pointedly. The, I don’t know, fill-in-the-last-name the Jones family they stick together, which is code for: there are a few people in this family that do terrible things, and they may do terrible things to you, and you don’t get to say anything about it, or you’re being disloyal because “we stick together.” It brings up the illusion of the family, and “blood is thicker than water,” and “we’re all going to band together.” It brands this whole lack of protection and this place where you have to endure invalidation and mistreatment and keep your mouth shut as part of family loyalty. That’s the concept.
By just having to stay in an unsafe place, you then start framing your uncomfortable feelings as you being disloyal. If you were to push it to keep bringing it up, keep raising the problems in this family system, then you’re the problem because, well, look how disloyal you are to keep making a fuss about this family.
This whole disloyalty within the narcissistic family system plays on very fundamental human fears, such as ostracism, alienation, and isolation. Every human being wants to belong to something, with rare exceptions, even if that belonging is to a dysfunctional family system. There is no way to safely navigate this if you’re a child. A child cannot afford to lose the support of the family, so to be marked as disloyal, as defying the tribe, as it were were-that is something no child can hold up under.
Continue reading on the next page
Sharing Is Caring!
