Narcissistic Workplaces and Snitching
A very similar dynamic shows up in narcissistic workplaces, where folks try to stay close to the narcissistic boss or leader and never speak against their policies, no matter how terrible or potentially harmful those policies are. They throw people under the bus, even snitching on people.
Narcissistic leaders and bosses will encourage people in the workforce to snitch and turn people in who may be saying bad things about the narcissistic leader, are uncomfortable with shifts in the workplace, or are not following policies to the T. The minions and enablers of the narcissistic leader or boss will then gleefully turn folks in to get the glow of the narcissistic person’s favor. It feels very Orwellian.
These people who turn others in are rewarded by the narcissistic boss, and everyone else is harmed. Fear can cut through the entire system. Everyone in these systems who gets to stay becomes a “yes” person. The narcissistic boss is well-supplied, and these stories never end well.
The Weaponization of Loyalty
We are taught that loyalty is good, that it’s a virtue to stand by someone, to stand for a cause, a system, a country, whatever it is. Sadly, what we learn in narcissistic relationships is that loyalty is a one-sided commitment. It is often weaponized; it’s used as a tool to keep people in line and to ostracize or silence them when they won’t go along. Because belonging is such a universal need, others in the system who just want it to keep running and keep existing may pile on the bandwagon of viewing the person being labeled as disloyal as the problem, instead of seeing the real source of it: the narcissistic person.
It’s tricky because, since we are taught that loyalty is good and, under the right circumstances, loyalty is goodand then we are told that we are not loyal people by the narcissistic folks and their enablers, it just leaves us feeling like we are bad, disloyal people.
Especially if it starts young, that can become part of our identity. Narcissistic folks force disloyalty accusations in families, colleagues, and employees, and make it part of the transaction of the relationship. Many a person has believed that they can win over or get on the good side of the narcissistic person through this overplayed loyalty.
The Cost of Blind Loyalty
People who do that will either go down with the ship if the narcissistic person ever goes down, and all that loyalty that the narcissistic person demanded from you will be forgotten, because a narcissistic person has no problem with other people taking the fall for their sins. So, all that loyalty you had to the narcissist gets repaid with narcissistic betrayal. Or it could be that the loyal players are asked one day to do the thing they cannot do, the true test of loyalty.
This is a common play by more severely narcissistic and psychopathic people; in fact, it’s a play often used in cultic systems. Loyalty is cemented by someone being willing to do something in utter violation of their values. The moral injury and self-disgust can pile up, especially if you do some of it. Or the person may finally say, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” And then, bam, all those years of loyalty go down the toilet just like that. The first time loyal, you say, “No,” it’s all or nothing in the world of narcissistic loyalty. They will keep moving those goalposts to the point where you’re having to do things that you may never forgive yourself for.
Healing from Disloyalty Accusations
Part of healing is testing that sense of yourself as a disloyal person. Lots of folks who get out of narcissistic relationships, families, and workplaces will say, “I believed I was not a team player. I did believe that I was a disloyal person.” It can take a while to build that sense back up that you were loyal, but what was being asked of you wasn’t about loyalty.
It can also take a lot of time to build back what a healthy sense of loyalty is. It’s not one-sided; it’s not supposed to be a test; and it’s not meant to be a weapon. It is not meant to be that loyalty requires you to do things in violation of your values, ethics, or the law.
If you do get roped into the sense of being loyal to a narcissist, you will get burned. It can be a steep climb back up to a balanced, thoughtful, and reasonable sense of loyalty. Be careful of this entire framework of loyalty in a narcissistic relationship.
